Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
