According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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