Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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