i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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