just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
