I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
