he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
