she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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