its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
