im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize