So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
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