HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
