i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
