I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Terrible idea I love it
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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