why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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