Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
