I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
