Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
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