Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize