Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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