there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize