what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
