There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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