Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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