Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
the day after is always just damage control
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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