I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
