she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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