meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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