I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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