Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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