I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
