Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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