CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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