worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
