theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize