Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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