she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
