that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
