im about as happy as oj after his trial
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
