I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
