I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Im part way to drunk.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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