i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
