u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
so much tequila, so little girl.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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