Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Randomize
