my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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