so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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