Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
