I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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