i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
