shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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