I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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