you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
