is your mom at the bar?
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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