Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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