i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
