how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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