girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
