conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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