my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
