This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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