My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
