I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
