What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
