If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize